Tips on Offering Comfort to a Grieving NICU Parent
Written by Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT Thursday, February 14 2008 17:12
During a time of loss, such as the death of a newborn, it can be difficult to know what to say. Friend and family may fear saying the wrong thing so much after the death of a newborn that they may not say anything at all. This can leave grieving parents feeling that they aren't being supported.
Grieving parent(s) need to know that family and friends are there to support them especially during a time of great loss.
Supporting a Grieving NICU Parent
The most important thing for friends and family to do is to let the grieving parents know that you are thinking of them and are supporting them. To show your support:
- Take a look at the list of suggested phrases.
- Pick one of these various suggestions.
- Modify a phrase so it feels more like something you would say
- Let the parent(s) know verbally or in writing that you are there for them.
Suggested for Phrases to Use
Some of my personal favorites:
- I am sorry for your loss.
- I wish you didn't have to experience this.
- I am sorry that this happened to you.
- I am thinking of you during this difficult time. (usually written)
- I'm so sorry.
- I wish you comfort.
- I hope things will be good.
- I wish this hadn't happened to you.
- I'm sad for you.
- I don't know why it happened.
- What can I do for you?
- How are you doing/coping with all of this?
- How can I help?
Suggestions for Expressing Wishes and Support in Response to Futility
This last collection of words to use comes from an article written for physicians about expressing wishes in response to loss, futility and unrealistic hopes.
Some of the phrases suggested (or variants) included:
- I wish things had turned out better for you.
- I wish the news had been different.
- This has been a terrible loss for you. I wish it hadn't turned out this way.
- This is so hard for you. Just when our hopes were so high, for this to happen. I wish it had been otherwise.
- I will work with you to find a way through this.
Author's Note: While I am the NICU Parent of a NICU survivor, I have also extensively studied the field of grief, loss and bereavement.
I would invite NICU Parents who have experienced the death of their NICU Newborn, to comment on what types of phrases helped them during their time of loss.
Sources:
Dyer KA. What can I *say* when a NICU baby dies? June 2006. NICU Parent Support Blog.
Dyer KA. Identifying, Understanding, and Working with Grieving Parents in the NICU, Part II: Strategies . Neonatal Network. June/July 2005; 24: 27-40.
Quill TE. Arnold RM. Platt F. "I Wish Things Were Different": Expressing Wishes in Response to Loss, Futility, and Unrealistic Hopes . Ann Intern Med, Oct 2001; 135: 551 - 555.
Dyer KA. 2006. My NICU Baby's Died: Now What? on Squidoo.com
Dyer KA. 2007. How to Write a Condolence Note. on Squidoo.com
Image Source: Modified Microsoft Image.
| About the Author Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT is a respected physician, an expert in life challenges, loss, grief and bereavement, professional health educator, professor, lecturer and author. She is also the Parent of a very healthy NICU Survivor. Dr. Dyer created and has maintained Journey of Hearts, a website for anyone who has ever experienced a loss. She is the author of For Those Who Hold the Littlest Hands, an eBook written to provide information, encouragement and support for NICU parents. |
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