What to Say or Do for a NICU Parent

Written by Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT Thursday, January 24 2008 16:57

Mom Stages - NICU

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What can I *say* to a NICU Parent?

People often fear so much saying the wrong thing that they often don't say anything at all. A grieving parent would like to know that family and friends are there to support them during this difficult time of loss. Some of my personal favorites include:

• I am sorry for your loss.
• I wish you didn't have to experience this.
• I am sorry that this happened to you.
• I am thinking of you during this difficult time. (usually written)
• I'm so sorry.
• I wish this hadn't happened to you.
• I wish things had turned out better for you.
• I wish the news had been different.

Say Something to Show Your Support

Pick one of these various suggestions, or modify one so it feels more like something you would say. If finding something to say still doesn't seem to work, then you can let the person know verbally or in writing that you are there for them.

I think that most of the time words spoken from the heart even if they don't feel perfect will generally be remembered as heart-felt support.

Offers to Help

You may also wish to ask:

• What can I do for you?
• How can I help?

NICU parents are often in a state of shock, especially initially and have difficulty making simple decisions. Instead of asking what you can do, you may want to make specific offers e.g. picking up other children, bringing food, calling family members and then have the parents tell you if that is something they need.

What can I *do* for a NICU Parent?

Two very helpful things you can *do* to support a NICU parent are to listen and to just be.

Listening

One of the most important things you can *do* for a grieving NICU parent is to give him or her your presence. The ability to listen can be a great source of comfort. Listening communicates respect, caring and empathy.

Sometimes all a parent may needs is someone who will truly and emphatically listen to their NICU story. Really listening involves being present for the person, not interrupting and staying connected and focused on what he or she is saying.

Being

Simply sitting and listening to their NICU story, being a witness to their stress and anxiety can help provide invaluable support for a overwhelmed parent. Even just spending a few quiet moments in silence, holding a hand can be another very effective way to convey your support and caring.

Take Home

Remember that two of the greatest gifts you can give to a NICU parent are the gift of listening and the gift of your presence.

Do not underestimate the healing presence yourself and of really listening to someone who is going through a difficult experience.

Sources:

• Dyer KA. What can I say when a NICU baby dies? - June 2007.
• Dyer KA. What can I do when a NICU baby dies? - July 2007.
• Dyer KA. Comforting Moment - It's Only Words... June 2007.

About the Author   Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT is a respected physician, an expert in life challenges, loss, grief and bereavement, professional health educator, professor, lecturer and author. She is also the Parent of a very healthy NICU Survivor.   Dr. Dyer created and has maintained Journey of Hearts, a website for anyone who has ever experienced a loss. She is the author of For Those Who Hold the Littlest Hands, an eBook written to provide information, encouragement and support for NICU parents.

 

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