Respecting our Kids Intimate Space

Mom Topics - Family and Marriage

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I know growing up the last thing I ever wanted to divulge to my parents was my yearnings for boys. An incident with my almost five-year-old recently gave me an insight as to why children/teenagers may be so reluctant to share their personal lives with their parents – especially the intimate parts.

There was never a time I felt compelled to share with my mother or father who I was interested in and I definitely never felt comfortable with the idea of discussing sex, intimacy and I’d never even heard the word sensuality. It near killed me to admit to my parents, when I was 17, I finally had a boyfriend. I never thought it would be through my kindergarten-aged son I’d understand why – reconfirming my belief our children are sent to teach us and not the reverse.

My son slunk up to me while we were out visiting a friend and her new baby; a sheepish look on his face. He told me that there was something that he wanted to whisper to me. His facial expressions were oscillating between seriousness and an impish grin. This sort of behaviour elicits alarm bells in me as it normally means he wants to fess up to something he has done that I’m not going to be happy about. I braced myself and leaned down for him to whisper into my ear.

He hesitated and then said, “Mummy … I kissed Lilly.” My first reaction was to cover my face and laugh – the release that comes after the anticipation of something terrible. When this passed I turned back to him, gave him a big smile and hug, then let him go back to play as my friends looked to me with raised eye brows.

“Dylan kissed Lilly,” was all I said.

It was a surreal moment for Annie and I – the jaw dropper for me realising our kids are not necessarily little kids any more and exploring all types of new interactions with each other. This against the back drop of a friendship which is characterised by cat and dog fighting, all manner of power struggles and delineations between “girls stuff” and “boys stuff.”

Later on, after we’d had lunch we were encouraging the kids to go off and play. I suggested, tongue in cheek, “Why don’t you go off and kiss Lilly again!” It was said without a thought, but the black glare from Dylan let me know that I had over stepped the limit.

I realised I had done something truly despicable. Not only had I repeated to others a confidence shared but I had later gone on to publicly jest about it. I felt like a cow – the worst Mother on the planet.

Sensuality, intimacy and sexuality are areas you want to get right from the start. I’m all too familiar with the negative patterns that existed in my relationship with my parents in this area. Did my mother or father do the exact same thing to me at five? Was an incident like this where my reluctance in sharing come from – or was it something else? Many of my parents' attitudes I am certain I perceived and I don’t want to emulate that in my son. Other’s I am certain were drummed into me from an early age.

I want my son to trust me – to give me an all areas access to his life, as shared by him. I want him to know that I love and respect him. The idea he would be too scared or embarrassed to share something with me worries and saddens me. My wish for him is to grow into a confident, grounded and sensual young man who respects his body, is able to understand the consequences of his actions and honours women in the manner they are meant to be respected and loved.

It made me realise every moment and every interaction we have with our children makes an impact. Sometimes the cracks the impact makes are not apparent until years later. Being conscious and aware of each interaction is important, especially the unique encounters, new and wonderful to our children. It is important to suspend our judgements and prejudices to see the moment through their eyes and leave our own baggage behind for a moment.

Being mindful of our actions and reactions gives us the opportunity to make amends should we do something which falls short of our child’s expectations of us – to be accepting of their explorations and adventures. If, on reflection, something we have done or said undermines our children’s confidence in themselves, in us as parents, or breaks the trust implicit in the parent/child relationship it needs to be rectified as soon as possible.

Later on that evening, while Dylan and I were snuggled up in bed reading books, when we were in a quiet safe space I brought up his kiss with Lilly and my inappropriate behaviour. I said sorry and made every effort to build bridges, to heal the breach of my behaviour. When he’s older I want him to trust and have the confidence in me that I will respect him and what he tells me – especially about girls!

Being able to say sorry and show ourselves as imperfect to our children, is one of the most humbling experiences we can embrace as parents. It is also one of the most important.

Jodi Cleghorn is a Brisbane mother, writer, lactivist and natural birth advocate. She is Breastfeeding Mom here, the co-author of the book Reclaim Sex After Birth: the survival guide and recently appointed third partner in the Australia distributorship of Orgasmic Birth. Living mindfully and consciously is a challenge - but it is better than the alternative.

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thanks for sharing Annie_Evett (Editor) 2009-05-14 15:41:25 Its important that we catch ourselves doing the right things - as well as question behaviours which don't support our decisions to live consciously. thanks for sharing this Jodi - I am sure many of us have gone through similar situations.

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