Mom Stages - Preteens

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My three kids are lucky. Lucky to have 4 living grandparents. When I was 8 I had only two grandparents. My dad's parents died before I was born. By 15 my grandmother had died of breast cancer. Explaining death to a tween or a teen is a difficult process.

I did not attend my grandfather's funeral. Instead, I spent the day with a distant relative. The daughter of the family was about 11 or 12 while I was only 8. I have no recollection of my parents talking to me about my grandfather's death or the funeral. The only thing I knew for sure is that death makes people sad. I saw the sadness in my parents's eyes. I witnessed up close my grandmother's utter desolation over the loss of my grandfather. By all accounts he was not an easy person to live with. He was a heavy smoker and drinker who was rarely home, but he was the only grandfather I knew.

By a matter of circumstance and luck, we live close to both sets of grandparents. My kids see their grandparents on birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Father's Day, and a host of other holiday and just-because days. All four grandparents, who are in their early to mid-70s, are experiencing health problems. Some minor, and some quite serious. I have not talked to the kid, the preteen, or the teen about what will happen when one of the grandparents gets very sick and dies. I need to start this conversation.

Talking to Your Preteen about Death and Illness

Here are my thoughts on how I will begin to start the discussion with my kid, my preteen, and my teen:

• Talk to kids, preteens, and teens using age-appropriate language. For my 6-year-old, I might mention friends or pets who have died. For the tween, I will talk about friends who have passed away who she might have met or heard about. For the teen, I will bring to the discussion illness, sickness, and diseases that might not respond to medical treatment.
• We are Catholic. I have talked to the children about heaven. On a recent trip to England, we visited a church with a stand for candles. The children were facinated that you could light an actual candle. I let each child light a candle. The children asked why I was kneeling and saying a prayer, I told them that when I get a chance I pray for the repose of the soul of my grandparents and other relatives who have passed away. I found a book on talking to kids about death. This book will be too complex for preteens, but parents might find answers to questions about death.
• Visit a cemetery. Talk about final resting places: cemetery, gardens of remembrance, urns.
• Talk to preteens about the death of animals as a starting point. We live in a semirural area. On a daily basis I see dead deer on the side of the road, as well as other critters. All three of my kids, were shocked the first time they saw a dead animal. We talked about the way the animal died. We talked about how we have no control over accidents.
• A good resource for talking to kids about dying is Hospicenet.org. Hospicenet suggests finding out what kids know and don't know. Provide information to your preteens as you feel they can handle it.
• As with any discussion with kids, preteens, or teens, look to your preteen to see how he or she is handling the discussion. A preteen who is quiet may have heard all he needs to hear. A preteen who is asking questions may want to continue the discussion.
• After the initial conversation, I will check back with my preteen to see if she has further questions.

Books to help preteens cope with the illness and death of family members:

• Helping Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies by Janis Silverman, $9.95. Ages 4-8. This book is an art therapy and activity book for helping kids cope with the death of someone close to them.
• When Someone Has a Very Serious Illness: Children Can Learn to Cope with Loss and Change by Marge Heegard, $9.95. Ages 9-12. This book helps preteens learn the basic concepts of illness. The book lists various age-appropriate ways for preteens to cope.
• Good Grief for Kids by Katherine Dorn Zotovich, $11.66. Ages: 9-12 This book is a creative journaling set that helps open the communication gap between preteens and parents about the death of an elderly relative.

Author's note: I have not read any of the books listed above. I used the amazon.com reviews of other parents/purchasers. If you are not sure about whether a book will be suitable, check your local library.

Jill writes about raising past, present, and future preteens; resources for parents of tweens in Baltimore; and navigating the DC Metro area as a parent. Are you mom living in D.C.? Check out DC CityMommy. Are you a mom of tweens and teens? Check out Momster.com.

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