Blended Families
| Some of yours, some of his, maybe some ours as well. Your life is not the Brady bunch, but you make it work. How do you deal with dual parenting, custody and holidays? Spend sometime here and share your story. Blended Families Editor- Brandy Tanner |  |
Co-parenting creates many challenges, not only are you not aware of everything that happens in the other parents home but now when you do find out it is through the mouth of your child. This situation leaves you hearing a child's version of everything that occurs in the other home, you no longer have an adult to step in and tell what really happened. If your child comes home and tells you about their visit with the other parent and you find yourself fuming angry then please stop and think before you react, this could change the outcome of the situation from a unhappy one to a more positive one.
Blended families are commonly referred to as stepfamilies. They are increasingly common among society today. If you were to create a poll for children in elementary school probably one third of them would respond they have a stepparent or that their biological parents don't reside in the same household.
Children who are a part of a stepfamily may resist the new parental figure in their home; this is natural behavior, especially if they have very involved parents. As a product of a stepfamily myself, I must say that I resisted my stepfather, although not married to my mother, he was referred to as my stepfather. My teenage years were the worst. I would fight him tooth and nail on anything he said. I had a father, and felt I did not need another
As a mother to a child who has both a stepfather and involved biological father, I try to that her stepfather is not trying to replace her dad. I tell her he is an extension of her already loving family. This has worked for my child. However, it may not work for all and here are some tips to help create a more pleasant bonding, loving relationship between stepfamilies:
Remember this is Real Life
Television may make a stepfamily look perfect but, this is real life. No matter how much you wish things to be perfect instantly, there will be much work to do before you have a perfect home life situation as a blended family.
Patience is a virtue
Any relationship will take time and you must understand that as a stepparent you have come into a family based on the love you have for your new spouse. Children take time to trust a new parent figure and being patient will help this new stepparent bond happen sooner rather than later
High Expectations Will Result in Failure & Disappointment
Remember that you have come into a family as the stepparent, with this comes time. A child needs to know you love them and care about them, however, as a stepparent all you can do is leave your heart and arms wide open, communicate with your stepchild or stepchildren to let them know you care about them. Eventually, with patience and love the bond will develop
When you marry your new partner you are in love with him or her. However, it may take time for you and their children to love each other. Although you may adore the idea of stepchildren; it's nearly unrealistic to come in and expect respect
The best way to slowly gain trust, respect and love from your new stepchildren would be to make sure you encourage and appreciate them whenever doing something good. Be sure to include the children in any family decision making. Maybe you came into their life with your own children, allow them to take part in choosing who will share a room or if remodeling must be done, allow them to take part in that as well.
Overall, as a stepparent who is seeking to gain a bond with their stepchildren, you must remain patient, calm and, caring. Show the children with your actions and words how you feel about them, in time you will see a bond that has been perfected over time.
Being a stepparent must be a hard role, especially if the other parent is very involved. You may find yourself feeling like you are not able to discipline the step child because the other parent is very involved, however, as a stepparent you are the person of the house.
As we near the middle of the year 2009, it seems blended families are very common than ever before. There are many studies out there in the world stating that a child who lives in a home with a biological parent and a stepparent have lower grades and more behavioral issues than those who are living with both biological parents.
A subject that comes up all too often is the fact that some step parents seem to be more compassionate towards their own biological children and not as compassionate towards their step children. A step parent usually comes into the relationship knowing that they will become Mom or Dad to their partners children the day they get married, however, when that day comes it may be hard for the step parent to not continue to favor their own biological children over their step children.
Do you often find that your ex and you don't see eye to eye on raising your child? Does it seem that your child is having emotional issues, uncommon tantrums and more when returning from the other parents home? If you answered yes, then please read on.
Whether you are new or have been sharing custody for years, choosing which holidays to share and how is a tough choice. Are you looking to share all holidays or only major holidays? Is it fair to have the other parent see the child or children on Valentines Day or Easter Day?
I share custody with my ex for my oldest child who is six years old. In New Hampshire there is a form called Parenting Plan, which used to create a visitation schedule with the co-parent in the situation of parents who are no longer in a relationship together.
My Parenting Plan
When my ex and I sat down to create a parenting plan in 2006, our friendship was strong and our child was four years old. Since we had shared custody fairly the prior four years, we wanted a parenting plan that suited the best interest of our child. The parenting plan we set in place read “as open and liberal as child and parent allows” in just about every area of visitation with the exception of holiday time. Little did I know four years later we would be in a position where that open and liberal parenting plan would be creating numerous issues. There were some situations that occurred and I found out the parenting plan was so open that either my ex or I could take our daughter and keep her from the other parent with no policy officer requiring the child be released to the other parent. The only way my ex or I could get our child from the other parent would be through a court hearing. This scared me, to know that he had a right to take off with our daughter anytime and there would be nothing protecting me as the custodial parent.
Setting a New Fair Parenting Plan
I am currently in a situation where my ex and I wish to set up our parenting plan to protect each other in the area of visitation with our daughter. My ex has requested to have our daughter not only every other weekend, but two sleep over nights during school year. I must admit I don’t like the idea of my daughter being away from myself and her two little brothers this often, but it is only fair that her father see her as often as possible. After meeting with a children’s counselor and signing up for a course to better help transition from one house to another, I realized it is only fair that her father see her when he has requested. My ex and I will be meeting to write up a new parenting plan that shares custody of our daughter in an almost 50/50 situation.
Creating Your Parenting Plan
When you create a visitation schedule for your child and the co-parent, remember that you both have an equal right to your child. Put aside whatever reasons you are no longer with your ex, and think in the eyes of what’s best for your child. Create a plan that works for your family situation. If your child has half siblings or step siblings in either household, remember it’s important for them to have time to develop a relationship with their siblings. Be certain that you discuss the concerns regarding any issues during transition with your ex so that you can have a child who is easily transitioned from one home to another. You may never have a parenting plan in place that is what you love, but if your child is happy with the shared visitation and is safe, then try your best to be open minded about the situation. Remember that your ex has a right to your child, you may have ended your personal relationship with them, but you have a child together that needs love from both of you.
Brandy is a work at home mother of three who enjoys writing on her blog Writings of a WAHM lending advice to moms who wish to be successful in work at home.
My oldest child is from a previous relationship. She is now six years old and a very loving, bright young girl who wishes to make everyone happy. I raised her for three years as a full time working single mom, and her bio father saw her very often. He was and still is a very involved part time Dad. The day I was married in May 2007 I knew it would be a rough road. I had dated in the passed but nothing serious. I could sense that this event would forever change my little girls life.
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